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Praying our Goodbye_ ...Although life is difficult and always has its share of sorrows, life is also very good and deeply enriching. It holds many promises of growth and treasures of joy. It is not easy to believe this when we are hurting greatly_ because of our loss. Sometimes it takes years to understand and accept this truth. That is how it has been for me, The grief of losing my brother (at age 23 to drowning) touched numerous areas of my life. I found myself fighting. avoiding, struggling with and being confused about the many forms of goodbyes that I experienced: being uprooted from one place to another, death of family, friends and a dear uncle, termination of a significant friendship of many years, betrayal by one I had trusted, struggles with church changes and with religious life decisions. Always the inner question 'Why me?' accompanied any deep hurt or demands to let go. I kept asking, 'Why should I experience the hard things in life when I am trying my best to be good?' I also had an angry 'Not me!' and a pitiable 'Poor me!' that rose up inside my aching spirit. Over the years I developed an attitude that said life was always supposed to be a continuous hello. The hurt and wreching ache of goodbye was not supposed to be there. ...Loss will never be easy for me, but I am much better at identifying the need to let go and at understanding the call to move on as a means of growth. Sometimes goodbyes still overwhelm me, but my questions are changing. Instead of asking Why me?' I much more readily ask 'How?' --How can I move gracefully through the ache of the farewells tha~come into my life? I also ask 'Who?' -- Who will be with me in this process? -- because I know that I cannot go through intense leave-taking without some kinship and some loving support to sustain me. (During a 30-day Ignatian retreat) many essential, life-giving wisdoms surfaced: the hello-goodbye pattern as an integral part of all human existence. the necessity of change in order to have growth, and the need to let go before one can truly move on. I also learned that the cost of discipleship is inherent in any following of Jesus and that this following causes choices which mean goodbye to some parts of life and hello to others. Most important. I discovered that for the Christian, hello always follows goodbye in some form if we allow it. There is, or can be, new life, although it will be different from the life we knew before. The resurrection of Jesus and the promises of God are too strong to have it be any other way." |
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